When your spaceship is pulled into a wormhole, when an
unnatural tornado sucks you into a land you didn’t know existed and when you’re
flown back through time to the period when dinosaurs roamed the earth you’ll
probably be downright terrified. And rightly so, because at this point in many
movies and books your chances of survival are slim. In order to help you out
I’ve put together a step-by-step guide that will hopefully keep your heart
beating. Since the worst situation would be if you were by yourself in this
foreign area this is the situation my instructions are best applied to.
1.
Regardless of how you got into this different
world, the first thing you need to do is to ensure that you’re not injured.
Quickly scan yourself to see that you’re not visibly wounded and if you’re
bleeding quickly bandage your wound. I’m not a paramedic but I’ve watched
enough movies to know that you should tear off a small piece of your shirt to
stop the bleeding.
2.
Look around you and mentally categorise the
wreckage around you (if you crash landed) so you know what you can use when it
comes to the next step. If you appeared in this place without anything besides
your clothes, don’t panic – at least you have clothes.
3.
Build a shelter. The structure of it should be
basic but strong just in case gale force winds attack at night on your
planet/universe/other dimension/Earth 100000000 years ago. It would be easier
if you had two trees to build it between or branches to support your shelter
but if you are stranded in the desert you will have to make another plan.
4.
Check the time. Obviously you can’t just look at
your watch since you don’t quite know what time zone you’re in; so you’ll just
have to do it the old fashioned way by looking at the sun. If there are several
suns then measure them all and get an average. After doing this you should
probably watch the sun for a while so you can deduce how fast it moves and how
much time you have until sunset (hopefully it hasn’t set already).
5.
The next thing to do is find a few weapons JUST
IN CASE the inhabitants of this world are unfriendly. And even if they’re gummy
bears you’ll still need some weapons when you hunt for food. Here you have a
variety of choices, you can grab a sharp stick and then sharpen it some more
tomorrow, a few rocks (preferably ones that are sharp but light) or you can use
some of the wreckage that arrived when you did.
6.
Using some of the weapons you’ve found, lay
traps around your shelter.
7.
Now it’s time to write SOS on a beach, send
smoke signals or just scream for help until you are sure there aren’t any
inhabitants within earshot.
8.
The sun has probably set and you’re wishing you
had a few blankets to cuddle up in. Unfortunately no amount of wishing will
bring them to you. So, you can curl into a ball in your shelter and close your
eyes. But before you go to sleep you have a few strategies to plan. Since
you’ve already selected a few weapons plan how you can use them in case an army
of Ant-men visit you in the night. At the same time, you have to dream up all
the moves you can pull off without these weapons in case they’re confiscated by
your enemy or they dissolve in a dinosaur’s lethal drool. If I were you I would
land a few cleverly placed punches and kicks before wedging my elbow in their
eye (this works extremely well if your opponent only has one eye). When this is
done, go to sleep. You’ll need your energy for tomorrow.
9. As soon as the sun comes up again you
should grab your weapons and then shout for help again. If no one responds
sneak out of your shelter and check the area around it to see if you’ve had any
visitors. If none of your traps have been triggered then it’s time to go
searching for food. Coconuts are almost always available in the movies so
hopefully you’ll have one of those trees near you, if not then search for
fruit. However, before you even think about eating a plant you need to follow
these guidelines http://www.wikihow.com/Test-if-a-Plant-Is-Edible (since you probably won’t have access to the
internet you might want to learn these instructions off by heart).
10. When
you’ve eaten your full it’s time to gather your weapons and any other
possessions you have and go exploring to find water. I suggest you carry with
you something to write on (a big leaf, material, rocks) and something to write
with (a few berries that are NOT poisonous). Before you leave your shelter you
should begin drawing your map by showing the areas you can see and have explored.
Mark the area where your shelter is located with a big X. Then, count your
steps as you go whilst still watching where you’re going (this sounds
challenging but I think it’s the best way to do this). As you go along add to
your map and be careful not to step into any traps or on any dinosaur tails.
Remember never go too far on one single journey. The best distance to travel in
one day (without much water or food) is probably 2km then turn around and
return to your shelter.
11. Continue
hunting, gathering safe-to-eat fruit, maintaining your shelter, perfecting your
weapons and exploring until you discover inhabitants or realize that you are
alone. If the latter is the case, don’t give up you’ll be discovered eventually
or if that’s not good enough spend hours analysing every detail of your world
until you figure out how to get home.
I hope you never have to use this guide for your own sake,
but if you do please remember that I’m not writing from experience and so
approach my instructions with logic and a practical mind-set. However, if you
do end up following them and they help you in anyway please notify me – if I’m
good at this I might be employed by NASA to write the WHAT TO DO DURING AN
ALIEN ATTACK handbook.
